i just love that word.
right now, my life is way stranger than fiction. i wouldnt say strange, just overly dramatic cause most of the time id create the drama but somewhere along the way it went spiralling out of control.
then theres other things. theres other problems. theres other people.
my baby came to my house today, and everytime i see him i re-realize how much he's worth. i do him wrong over and over again and look where he is now.
still here
imm a screww up
ahhhhhhhhh fuuuuuckkkkkkkk i need to get drunk........prescription...
look at me
look at me and tell me what you see
look into my eyes
and find the truth in my lies
look into my heart
and lets fucking tear it apart
look into me
look inside me
so i wont have to say another word to you
look at me
tell me
do you see a stranger too?
Senin, 2008 Februari 04
Senin, 2008 Januari 21
--after me there should be no more.
relationships are funny sometimes. sometimes no matter how torn apart it is, you just feel like you can always fix it.
then there comes a day where your relationship is like an old building in a big city. you dont want to tear it apart because it has a massive historical value. but you sure as hell dont wanna live in it. it's unsafe, and it could crumble anytime.
mine's almost like that. why do i say almost?
because its not.
im rebuilding it, piece by piece.
why do i always talk about myself and my seemingly mediocre life?
there sure are bigger things than me. but my life is what i know most of. im living in my own snowglobe, bitches.
last nite i had to do what i had to do. my baby is worth all the trouble. im stooping down to a level where i had to personally tell off another girl.
man ive done that twice.
fuck. what the hell do you take me for?
i know im not perfect. i lie and cheat and have been the third person a couple of times. im one selfish slut-whore.
but who isnt?
im just trying to change. cliche as it may seem, it's plausible.
then there comes a day where your relationship is like an old building in a big city. you dont want to tear it apart because it has a massive historical value. but you sure as hell dont wanna live in it. it's unsafe, and it could crumble anytime.
mine's almost like that. why do i say almost?
because its not.
im rebuilding it, piece by piece.
why do i always talk about myself and my seemingly mediocre life?
there sure are bigger things than me. but my life is what i know most of. im living in my own snowglobe, bitches.
last nite i had to do what i had to do. my baby is worth all the trouble. im stooping down to a level where i had to personally tell off another girl.
man ive done that twice.
fuck. what the hell do you take me for?
i know im not perfect. i lie and cheat and have been the third person a couple of times. im one selfish slut-whore.
but who isnt?
im just trying to change. cliche as it may seem, it's plausible.
Senin, 2008 Januari 14
Rabu, 2007 November 21
classy
its been aaaages since i last wrote.
so whats new? nuttin much as always. ive been out sick last week from a third-world specialty disease. you know from unhygienic food and all. nothin like being out of class for a week to get you back up on your feet again. drunk on redbulls and lipovitan honey (haha), again. the usual routine of a lil bit of studying topped off with watching the week's ep of heroes (peter petrelli's shirtless scenes are hottt). lack of money, not being able to afford toll booths and gas, and yet find the bus detestable. going to campus yet to skip another class and just wasting around. being late to some extent, all the time. i have a bad case of the last in first out policy x).
yepp life's back.
so some people party a lot, or some people study a lot, or some people are banci panitias (haha) me? i get lost in the labels and the roles college kids are supposed to play. im neither of anything. which makes me the biggest loser to ever exist in like..wherever.
its not like i dont have time to study. i have a lot of time on my hands, i assure you, i just like to hallucinate and pretend im the busiest, hardest working and most productive out of all of you. im not out partying. im not out in the streets. im not out organizing anything. im not developing the latest softwares. im not analyzing the country's economic status over oil prices, like i could care less on any of this thing.
my days are spent on songs and homeworks and lots of sleep. i love my sleep. if i had things to do and it has to be done now or whatever. id sleep it off, intending to wake up earlier and get all of those things done, but sometimes i wake up, sometimes i dont. oh well.
speaking of songs, heres my current top ten on ma itunes.
1. alicia keys - no one (mayan..)
2. fergie - clumsy (si bencong fergie bikin lagu yg mayan enak)
3. swizz beats - its me bitches (or snitches if you prefer)
4. white stripes - icky thump (madness!)
5. hurricane chris - ay bay bay (any of you watch TRL? the trashiest, low budget-est hip hop son, ever!)
6. mark ronson feat amy winehouse - valerie (i love mark ronson)
7. jamie scott and the town - when will i see your face (awwwwwww)
8. dashboard confessional - thick as thieves (best song in the new, back to "undiscovered emo band", album)
9. jay z - lost ones (about lost hoes...im not sure)
10. kenny chesney - irreplacable (beyonce goes country, real country)
for music, i dont get the whole jazz thing, you got your jakjazz, java jazz, jgtc, jazz in the park, etc. and it seems like all the cool people i know "suka banget jazz." is this a coincidence? are cool people and jazz logically equivalent? poin gaul gua nambah ga ya kalo "suka banget jazz"? ha! i wonder why i put it in quotes. hahaha.
me? im a top 40, shove it in, dish it out type of person. i like a couple of songs on widely renowned jazz artists but, honestly, really really honestly, i dont know half the people they put on jazz lineups. im like, who the hell are they? do i have to listen to 5 bald, fat and aged men play music like they're trying make love to the sax or the piano? wheres the dancing? where's the backup rappers? wheres the fireworks and flying contraptions? but its kind of cool, id say, because i never know that many sequential sounds could come from a trumpet, but, id rather listen to instrumentals at home, on bed, preferably while doing baby making activities or something of that sort.
but thats just me.
so tune in next time to read my rants/complaints on the way the world revolve.
adios!
so whats new? nuttin much as always. ive been out sick last week from a third-world specialty disease. you know from unhygienic food and all. nothin like being out of class for a week to get you back up on your feet again. drunk on redbulls and lipovitan honey (haha), again. the usual routine of a lil bit of studying topped off with watching the week's ep of heroes (peter petrelli's shirtless scenes are hottt). lack of money, not being able to afford toll booths and gas, and yet find the bus detestable. going to campus yet to skip another class and just wasting around. being late to some extent, all the time. i have a bad case of the last in first out policy x).
yepp life's back.
so some people party a lot, or some people study a lot, or some people are banci panitias (haha) me? i get lost in the labels and the roles college kids are supposed to play. im neither of anything. which makes me the biggest loser to ever exist in like..wherever.
its not like i dont have time to study. i have a lot of time on my hands, i assure you, i just like to hallucinate and pretend im the busiest, hardest working and most productive out of all of you. im not out partying. im not out in the streets. im not out organizing anything. im not developing the latest softwares. im not analyzing the country's economic status over oil prices, like i could care less on any of this thing.
my days are spent on songs and homeworks and lots of sleep. i love my sleep. if i had things to do and it has to be done now or whatever. id sleep it off, intending to wake up earlier and get all of those things done, but sometimes i wake up, sometimes i dont. oh well.
speaking of songs, heres my current top ten on ma itunes.
1. alicia keys - no one (mayan..)
2. fergie - clumsy (si bencong fergie bikin lagu yg mayan enak)
3. swizz beats - its me bitches (or snitches if you prefer)
4. white stripes - icky thump (madness!)
5. hurricane chris - ay bay bay (any of you watch TRL? the trashiest, low budget-est hip hop son, ever!)
6. mark ronson feat amy winehouse - valerie (i love mark ronson)
7. jamie scott and the town - when will i see your face (awwwwwww)
8. dashboard confessional - thick as thieves (best song in the new, back to "undiscovered emo band", album)
9. jay z - lost ones (about lost hoes...im not sure)
10. kenny chesney - irreplacable (beyonce goes country, real country)
for music, i dont get the whole jazz thing, you got your jakjazz, java jazz, jgtc, jazz in the park, etc. and it seems like all the cool people i know "suka banget jazz." is this a coincidence? are cool people and jazz logically equivalent? poin gaul gua nambah ga ya kalo "suka banget jazz"? ha! i wonder why i put it in quotes. hahaha.
me? im a top 40, shove it in, dish it out type of person. i like a couple of songs on widely renowned jazz artists but, honestly, really really honestly, i dont know half the people they put on jazz lineups. im like, who the hell are they? do i have to listen to 5 bald, fat and aged men play music like they're trying make love to the sax or the piano? wheres the dancing? where's the backup rappers? wheres the fireworks and flying contraptions? but its kind of cool, id say, because i never know that many sequential sounds could come from a trumpet, but, id rather listen to instrumentals at home, on bed, preferably while doing baby making activities or something of that sort.
but thats just me.
so tune in next time to read my rants/complaints on the way the world revolve.
adios!
Kamis, 2007 September 13
my shit is like. whoa.
its getting worse everytime.
these past few days has been so surreal. going back and forth. so much faces i cant even match the names. hari pertama puasa. nggak bisa marah. nggak bisa menyalurkan aspirasi. bisanya cuma senyum palsu, atau cemberut yang ditahan. tai apa pencarian jati diri.
tai apa. tau apa lo?
why complain so much? bacause i can do whatever the hell i want.
moneys been tight lately. i blew all of my savings. i have no savings now. im too proud to ask my parents for money. but they give sum to me anyway. this is an insult to my ego. i need to find more work so i can be financially independent *umm well at least in the pocket money dept. and who knows? i might be able to stand on my own feet someday.
gas prices are killing me. toll booth prices are strangling me. i might die soon if this keeps up.
dont we all enjoy dying. nothing matters if youre about to die. that new outfit you just bought? dont matter shit. you only got 15000 in your wallet left for the week? fuck that. your tank is empty? like hell do you care. that china economic analysis assignment? dont matter shit. having a mom who constantly tells you that you cant do anything right? wont matter shit. a 2.4 GPA? fuck that, man.
the problem is. im not dying. so it all matters to me.
the thing is ive been walking around like a zombie with fake smiles on my face. ah! my whole attitude is fake, i dont even know which is real and wich isnt anymore. id space off during traffic. id have this empty expression in my face, cause thats what it is inside my head. emptiness. my head is so hollow if it were not connected to my neck, i guarantee you it'll float higer than balloons filled with helium. so thanks to my neck, my head is not off in space.
huff. terima kasih tuhan, sahabat sekaligus pacar saya masih ada di samping saya dan tidak bosan-bosannya menopang saya dari segala sisi.
man, if hes gone, id fall apart, no doubt.
these past few days has been so surreal. going back and forth. so much faces i cant even match the names. hari pertama puasa. nggak bisa marah. nggak bisa menyalurkan aspirasi. bisanya cuma senyum palsu, atau cemberut yang ditahan. tai apa pencarian jati diri.
tai apa. tau apa lo?
why complain so much? bacause i can do whatever the hell i want.
moneys been tight lately. i blew all of my savings. i have no savings now. im too proud to ask my parents for money. but they give sum to me anyway. this is an insult to my ego. i need to find more work so i can be financially independent *umm well at least in the pocket money dept. and who knows? i might be able to stand on my own feet someday.
gas prices are killing me. toll booth prices are strangling me. i might die soon if this keeps up.
dont we all enjoy dying. nothing matters if youre about to die. that new outfit you just bought? dont matter shit. you only got 15000 in your wallet left for the week? fuck that. your tank is empty? like hell do you care. that china economic analysis assignment? dont matter shit. having a mom who constantly tells you that you cant do anything right? wont matter shit. a 2.4 GPA? fuck that, man.
the problem is. im not dying. so it all matters to me.
the thing is ive been walking around like a zombie with fake smiles on my face. ah! my whole attitude is fake, i dont even know which is real and wich isnt anymore. id space off during traffic. id have this empty expression in my face, cause thats what it is inside my head. emptiness. my head is so hollow if it were not connected to my neck, i guarantee you it'll float higer than balloons filled with helium. so thanks to my neck, my head is not off in space.
huff. terima kasih tuhan, sahabat sekaligus pacar saya masih ada di samping saya dan tidak bosan-bosannya menopang saya dari segala sisi.
man, if hes gone, id fall apart, no doubt.
Jumat, 2007 September 07
OH FUCK!
yes, yes. yes. i am officially. turning. insane. i have not watched this week of antm 8. i always always always fall asleep RIGHT after i got home for this past 2 weeks. whether its at 8pm or 9pm or 7pm id take a bath, wash my hair, and then fall asleep with the towel on my head. id be like that every single day.
so basically im a money-wasting piece of garbage.
listening to jose gonzalez newly downloaded "veneer" album. gyah! trivial tidbits.
gua merasa tua dijalan. jalanan jakarta macet. gua merasa tua sendirian. gua..nggak punya energi dan semangat yang sama dengan anak-anak yang baru lahir di tahun 90.
hidup ini adalah pilihan, tapi bagi gua, hidup ini hanya penuh dengan pilihan yang sama sekali nggak gua pilih.
ah tai lahh. kuliah MPK Tai.
yah tidak boleh begitu. komitmen adalah komitmen. i made a deal with the devil. so basically im screwed. screwed.
jay z's "song cry" is the best rap song. ever. ever..
chaka khan is the best singer alive..
indomie is my favorite meal..
rizki maulidani is my favorite person..
fucking corporate everything is my biggest hypocrisy. i just cant afford it anymore.
i have no friends. im a loser.
no i really do think that. well except for my boyfriend.
im always mushy and sad inside. yet i hate the melancholic, shoegazing, wrist slitting people just as much as you.
just as much as you.
a life that has no meaning. a being that does without feeling. a body with no soul in it. a stomach with no food in it. a head with no brain in it. a pocket with no money in it. i am an empty shell.
i am hollow.
gua mau solat dulu..maybe it helps..
x(
so basically im a money-wasting piece of garbage.
listening to jose gonzalez newly downloaded "veneer" album. gyah! trivial tidbits.
gua merasa tua dijalan. jalanan jakarta macet. gua merasa tua sendirian. gua..nggak punya energi dan semangat yang sama dengan anak-anak yang baru lahir di tahun 90.
hidup ini adalah pilihan, tapi bagi gua, hidup ini hanya penuh dengan pilihan yang sama sekali nggak gua pilih.
ah tai lahh. kuliah MPK Tai.
yah tidak boleh begitu. komitmen adalah komitmen. i made a deal with the devil. so basically im screwed. screwed.
jay z's "song cry" is the best rap song. ever. ever..
chaka khan is the best singer alive..
indomie is my favorite meal..
rizki maulidani is my favorite person..
fucking corporate everything is my biggest hypocrisy. i just cant afford it anymore.
i have no friends. im a loser.
no i really do think that. well except for my boyfriend.
im always mushy and sad inside. yet i hate the melancholic, shoegazing, wrist slitting people just as much as you.
just as much as you.
a life that has no meaning. a being that does without feeling. a body with no soul in it. a stomach with no food in it. a head with no brain in it. a pocket with no money in it. i am an empty shell.
i am hollow.
gua mau solat dulu..maybe it helps..
x(
Kamis, 2007 Agustus 30
things on my mind that might make you feel uneasy..
1. seharusnya gua seminggu ini nyablon kaos bertuliskan:
"iya gua maba, iya gua nggak ikut opk, jaket kuning? belum ambil. nametag? nggak buat. jangan minta tanda tangan gua karena gua bukan senior lo. plis. kalo bisa jangan bergerombol di tengah jalan begitu. gua susah untuk kabur."
2. or maybe i shouldve said oh fuck off, mind your own business
3. i need you i need you i need you! i need to breathe your scent, i need to drink you, i need i need i need my boyfriend. theres only two man i love in this world, first is my boyfriend/boy toy, second is my trusty laptop. *yes, my laptop IS a man*
4. dear god, i am addicted to kratingdaeng.
5. going to class == skipping another class. life was never, EVER, this complicated. skipping class usually meant, umm. fun?
6. i miss my debauchery days! college days are so stressful!
7. tarif tol jadi sama semua! rp 6000!! jauh dekat! mana asshole yang tandatangan kontrak JORR? coba suruh dia punya rumah di lebak bulus dan ke mana-mana engga naik tol! dasar tukang cari untung.
8. nyokap gua juga bikin capek. nggak ngerti deh. banyak maunya.
9. actually had fun reading economics books. i am such a geek.
10. actually paid attention on my knowledge management class.
11. actually looking forward to another project management class.
12. i might as well be a schizo.
13. IRS masi berantakan boy.
14. sebenernya sayang juga sama..semua anak..anak..di kampus bundar. ive said my goodbyes. but im still here. fasilkom is SUCH a weird mix of geekiness, rudeness, but a very genuine mix of people, in a laugh your ass off kinda way ;) di kampus lain itu banyak yang palsu. aww fuck. this unfurnished, dog-infested, fund-deprived, and the geeky and awkwardness of this fasulty has won me over *hey i AM geeky and awkward!*
15. havent smoked in ages.
16. maybe wanting to know how it feels to be totally drunk. like. totally.
17. i am really, really, really craving domestic life. away from my parents. baby, come take me away ;(
okay id stop making lists. currently listening to: rufus wainwright-across the universe.
"iya gua maba, iya gua nggak ikut opk, jaket kuning? belum ambil. nametag? nggak buat. jangan minta tanda tangan gua karena gua bukan senior lo. plis. kalo bisa jangan bergerombol di tengah jalan begitu. gua susah untuk kabur."
2. or maybe i shouldve said oh fuck off, mind your own business
3. i need you i need you i need you! i need to breathe your scent, i need to drink you, i need i need i need my boyfriend. theres only two man i love in this world, first is my boyfriend/boy toy, second is my trusty laptop. *yes, my laptop IS a man*
4. dear god, i am addicted to kratingdaeng.
5. going to class == skipping another class. life was never, EVER, this complicated. skipping class usually meant, umm. fun?
6. i miss my debauchery days! college days are so stressful!
7. tarif tol jadi sama semua! rp 6000!! jauh dekat! mana asshole yang tandatangan kontrak JORR? coba suruh dia punya rumah di lebak bulus dan ke mana-mana engga naik tol! dasar tukang cari untung.
8. nyokap gua juga bikin capek. nggak ngerti deh. banyak maunya.
9. actually had fun reading economics books. i am such a geek.
10. actually paid attention on my knowledge management class.
11. actually looking forward to another project management class.
12. i might as well be a schizo.
13. IRS masi berantakan boy.
14. sebenernya sayang juga sama..semua anak..anak..di kampus bundar. ive said my goodbyes. but im still here. fasilkom is SUCH a weird mix of geekiness, rudeness, but a very genuine mix of people, in a laugh your ass off kinda way ;) di kampus lain itu banyak yang palsu. aww fuck. this unfurnished, dog-infested, fund-deprived, and the geeky and awkwardness of this fasulty has won me over *hey i AM geeky and awkward!*
15. havent smoked in ages.
16. maybe wanting to know how it feels to be totally drunk. like. totally.
17. i am really, really, really craving domestic life. away from my parents. baby, come take me away ;(
okay id stop making lists. currently listening to: rufus wainwright-across the universe.
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