life in-between.

i feel so alone right now. im such a sucker for affection. this past two weeks has been so much fun, going back and forth to campus or to my baby's place, it almost seems like he got his own place now, since its empty most of the time..well i miss him already. this is the kind of thing that *almost* makes me want domestic life. without the struggling part. huff.

im just so fucking tired and cranky and angry all the time.

im not going to go off on how i can justify my feelings so that it seems i deserve to be this way. i believe EVERYBODY's tired and cranky and angry to some extent. its how they deal with it that i wish i had the common sense to learn.

i guess this is why psychiatrists get paid a lot. cause theyd listen to shit no one wants to listen to. that no one is interested to console. you can only get that by paying.

im just sick of this creeping feeling in my stomach. like its pushing outward, making me hard to breathe. nothing helps. im invisible.

when I have a boyfriend i tend to depend on him. emotionally, mostly. and i half-expected him to understand whats going on inside my mind. to help me. to make me feel better. its like asking him to translate russian without a dictionary. cause even your boyfriend is somebody else. another living organism with a separate brain, a separate upbringing, with separate values, a separate way of thinking. so in times of self-deprecation and moodswings. sometimes all you got is yourself.

but i still wish i could live with him. i love him to death. ive only been with one guy this past 3 years, but all emotions known to human, i have felt. even if then, as fate collides with wishes, I ended up with someone else or even end up marrying someone else. id always love that guy, the one who made high school legends.

see? see? how i wear my heart on my sleeve? *i have no idea what that means.

by the way, im listening to my "youre insane and invisible" playlist.