my shit is like. whoa.

its getting worse everytime.

these past few days has been so surreal. going back and forth. so much faces i cant even match the names. hari pertama puasa. nggak bisa marah. nggak bisa menyalurkan aspirasi. bisanya cuma senyum palsu, atau cemberut yang ditahan. tai apa pencarian jati diri.

tai apa. tau apa lo?

why complain so much? bacause i can do whatever the hell i want.

moneys been tight lately. i blew all of my savings. i have no savings now. im too proud to ask my parents for money. but they give sum to me anyway. this is an insult to my ego. i need to find more work so i can be financially independent *umm well at least in the pocket money dept. and who knows? i might be able to stand on my own feet someday.

gas prices are killing me. toll booth prices are strangling me. i might die soon if this keeps up.

dont we all enjoy dying. nothing matters if youre about to die. that new outfit you just bought? dont matter shit. you only got 15000 in your wallet left for the week? fuck that. your tank is empty? like hell do you care. that china economic analysis assignment? dont matter shit. having a mom who constantly tells you that you cant do anything right? wont matter shit. a 2.4 GPA? fuck that, man.

the problem is. im not dying. so it all matters to me.

the thing is ive been walking around like a zombie with fake smiles on my face. ah! my whole attitude is fake, i dont even know which is real and wich isnt anymore. id space off during traffic. id have this empty expression in my face, cause thats what it is inside my head. emptiness. my head is so hollow if it were not connected to my neck, i guarantee you it'll float higer than balloons filled with helium. so thanks to my neck, my head is not off in space.

huff. terima kasih tuhan, sahabat sekaligus pacar saya masih ada di samping saya dan tidak bosan-bosannya menopang saya dari segala sisi.

man, if hes gone, id fall apart, no doubt.