things on my mind that might make you feel uneasy..

1. seharusnya gua seminggu ini nyablon kaos bertuliskan:
"iya gua maba, iya gua nggak ikut opk, jaket kuning? belum ambil. nametag? nggak buat. jangan minta tanda tangan gua karena gua bukan senior lo. plis. kalo bisa jangan bergerombol di tengah jalan begitu. gua susah untuk kabur."

2. or maybe i shouldve said oh fuck off, mind your own business

3. i need you i need you i need you! i need to breathe your scent, i need to drink you, i need i need i need my boyfriend. theres only two man i love in this world, first is my boyfriend/boy toy, second is my trusty laptop. *yes, my laptop IS a man*

4. dear god, i am addicted to kratingdaeng.

5. going to class == skipping another class. life was never, EVER, this complicated. skipping class usually meant, umm. fun?

6. i miss my debauchery days! college days are so stressful!

7. tarif tol jadi sama semua! rp 6000!! jauh dekat! mana asshole yang tandatangan kontrak JORR? coba suruh dia punya rumah di lebak bulus dan ke mana-mana engga naik tol! dasar tukang cari untung.

8. nyokap gua juga bikin capek. nggak ngerti deh. banyak maunya.

9. actually had fun reading economics books. i am such a geek.

10. actually paid attention on my knowledge management class.

11. actually looking forward to another project management class.

12. i might as well be a schizo.

13. IRS masi berantakan boy.

14. sebenernya sayang juga sama..semua anak..anak..di kampus bundar. ive said my goodbyes. but im still here. fasilkom is SUCH a weird mix of geekiness, rudeness, but a very genuine mix of people, in a laugh your ass off kinda way ;) di kampus lain itu banyak yang palsu. aww fuck. this unfurnished, dog-infested, fund-deprived, and the geeky and awkwardness of this fasulty has won me over *hey i AM geeky and awkward!*

15. havent smoked in ages.

16. maybe wanting to know how it feels to be totally drunk. like. totally.

17. i am really, really, really craving domestic life. away from my parents. baby, come take me away ;(

okay id stop making lists. currently listening to: rufus wainwright-across the universe.

life in-between.

i feel so alone right now. im such a sucker for affection. this past two weeks has been so much fun, going back and forth to campus or to my baby's place, it almost seems like he got his own place now, since its empty most of the time..well i miss him already. this is the kind of thing that *almost* makes me want domestic life. without the struggling part. huff.

im just so fucking tired and cranky and angry all the time.

im not going to go off on how i can justify my feelings so that it seems i deserve to be this way. i believe EVERYBODY's tired and cranky and angry to some extent. its how they deal with it that i wish i had the common sense to learn.

i guess this is why psychiatrists get paid a lot. cause theyd listen to shit no one wants to listen to. that no one is interested to console. you can only get that by paying.

im just sick of this creeping feeling in my stomach. like its pushing outward, making me hard to breathe. nothing helps. im invisible.

when I have a boyfriend i tend to depend on him. emotionally, mostly. and i half-expected him to understand whats going on inside my mind. to help me. to make me feel better. its like asking him to translate russian without a dictionary. cause even your boyfriend is somebody else. another living organism with a separate brain, a separate upbringing, with separate values, a separate way of thinking. so in times of self-deprecation and moodswings. sometimes all you got is yourself.

but i still wish i could live with him. i love him to death. ive only been with one guy this past 3 years, but all emotions known to human, i have felt. even if then, as fate collides with wishes, I ended up with someone else or even end up marrying someone else. id always love that guy, the one who made high school legends.

see? see? how i wear my heart on my sleeve? *i have no idea what that means.

by the way, im listening to my "youre insane and invisible" playlist.

is it tomorrow yet?

i'm anxious about tomorrow and how its going to work out, to fall into place. or be destroyed in one big swoosh! really. it can go either way. but i just prayed, let there be no disadvantageous coincidences. *oh yes, i believe in coincidences*

jadi besok itu jadwalnya pengantar ekonomi I. cool huh? only im racking my brains on how to excuse myself for not wearing the yellow jacket, or not having white collared shirts and a skirt on, or not wearing a black shoe, or having my cellphone on, or having my car parked in the parking lot or whatever, or smoking in the premises (kidding! heh heh) and i dont think my excuses are convincing.

so much for trying to be unnoticed. if theres any trouble id skip the rest of the week. teehee. so I can feel like bonnie parker all over again. its just that im stuck between the concepts of anonimity and notoriety. i dont think i prefer one than the other, can you be both? can you ever be both? maybe if you're a masked villain, or a superhero, where no one knows your real identity and you have to change costumes to switch identities and have laser gadgets and a batmobile..umm. sorry.

speaking of bonnie, clide has been a very very sexy boy this week. arr! *makes pirate noises*. im waking up with unkown hickies in the strangest places.

ah. lets go back to the academic nature of this post;

the days of oversleeping has ceased. no more waking up at 10 AM or going to sleep at 10 PM. everything will be done in the dark. id think better in the dark. id even read better in the dark. its time to open um those books again. ahh. the joys of being in college. we all love being overworked the way an s&m addict love getting whipped. we all love being wide awake at 3 AM the way a junkie love getting high. we love having bags under our eyes and boasting this look at our friends (oh wow! look at all the flap under my eyes! look how dark my eyes are! and I swear its not mascara..) the way poser-ass frontmans wear eyeliners. my point is. we all have our own addictions, and im the farthest thing from being a workaholic, but i do enjoy a certain level of deadline-stress.

so if you've ever wanted music on those days. heres my reccomendations. taken directly from my "sleeping is for losers" playlist in my itunes.

-rufus wainwright: cigarettes and chocolate milk
(this is the song about addictions)
-sore: no fruits for today
(time asia's top 5 albums are one of sore's resume)
-damien rice: blowers daughter
(soo psychotic its good)
-corinne bailey rae: like a star
(weepy, makes that sinking feeling in your stomach)
-nancy sinatra: bang, bang
(the best gunshot themed song, ever.)
-chaka khan: through the wire
(best when driving alone. at night. on the highway.)
-amy winehouse: tears dry on their own
(best after a night of confusion)
-jack johson: breakdown
(when you know youre going to fail a test tomorrow)
-andra and the backbone: sempurna
(cheesy, but its a hell of an indonesian song)
-dashboard confessional: stolen
(this is in my every playlist.)
-death cab for cutie: a lack of color
(when you just feel inadequate.)
-fiona apple: across the universe
(by far the best cover of the beatles, this version is haunting, like the very image of fiona apple itself)
-gary jules: mad world
(OST donnie darko, so if you sleepwalk and didnt notice that you're actually dead..this is your song)
-imogen heap: hide and seek
(i dont understand it, but i myself is misunderstood..)
-jay z: song cry
(the only rap song appropriate to listen at 3 AM)
-jose gonzales: heartbeats
(oh this is some underdog gold, right here. guitar worthy even for the kings of convenience fans.)
-LAIN:train song
(warning: it may remind you of the train station, but this is another non-major label gold.)

ah. theres just so much! ill post more if you still cant stay awake. see ya!

im useless but not for long.

you know sometimes how you bite off more than what you can chew?

you choke. thats what.

it may seem obvious. but i am not an over-achier. i am not a workaholic. i am not a perfectionist. i am not whatever you call yourself to make it look like you have a higher level of stress in your life than the rest of the world. i am not phased when i get a C. so far i have eleven C's in fact. and i may not ever graduate to a minimum acceptable GPA, a 2.75.

so whats the difference between me and you?

me. i take pride in being mediocre. its the only thing im excceptionally good at. i try everything, im a temporary worker, but thats not even permanent. if im not calling it cocky, or arrogance, i have major, major faith in myself, that if the big roads are not open for me, ill find the little twisted ones, and still be where i need to be. you know, that lightbulb guy said; you never fail, you just found ways that didnt work. im not trying to all wise or anything, but if any of you guys are like me, your time to shine will come.

im so good at prepping myself.

on lighter note. i went to kemang festival yesterday with my baby. very crowded! but i had major major fun. and i wished i brought more money..i went with my baby and it really beats going to the malls. it was a sweaty, clear-sky night but there was some people who got lst and thought they were still at the mall. too much makeup, clothes too skimpy. ehh. i hope the "mas-mas" gets a pretty sight.

when youre outside on your foot, and everybody else is outside, looking in at the overrated, overhyped, imported coffeeshops and "venues" and places named like TIPSY or that other bar that boasted two bottles of tequilas for 650000 and say that its the best deal in town, you cant help but crack up. what vain-ness are we indonesian people trying to portray? what other money-spending facilites do we really need?

spending daddy's money is not as cool as you think it is, you know.

i wish i wish i wish i had a split personality.

after reading our share of billy 24 faces and sybill and seeing endless movies like identity, madhouse, and the illest schizo movie in a decade, fightclub, you cant help thinking being a person with a split personality is awesome.

the question is, how do you make sure you're NOT a schizo?

i need one personality that can make a smart, quick comebacks incase of insults. her name is kiyambe.
i need one personality that can make me sickly-sweet in front of my parents, cause i cant seem to pull that off. her name is ditya.
i need one with a i-dont-give-a-fuck attitude. her name is jade.
i need one with BRAINS. her name is ratna. (umm i guess my mom has all the brains in my family)
i need one who can handle pain well and does not cry or crack or smoke or yell at people under pressure. her name is monster.
i need one that is swift, silent, quick and highly effiecient. her name is bonnie.
i need one that is insomniac, but an early riser. her name is fiona (im thinking fiona apple).

i have one that is lazy, incompetent, angsty, too self-conscious, incapable, cocky, antisocial, yet has..the um..the um..

um..

well ive yet to find the good qualities. and her name is diandra.

third times a charm!

jadi gua daritadi duduk berjam-jam melewati 3 waktu sholat wajib dan melewati makan siang, tapi nggak papa karena tadi pagi sudah makan dim-sum di pengajian temen nyokap dan hokben "pilih menu sendiri" yang sangat sucky karena di gambarnya ada 6 assortment gorengan tapi ternyata cuma bisa milih tiga *whaa* dan gua menatap mbak-mbaknya meskipun itu bukan salahnya tapi salah keparat marketing (yang pasti sekarang dapet penghargaan marketer of the year dari PT. HOKBEN) yang bikin poster dan iklan menipu dan berpikir berapa anyak orang yang udah ketipu dan bernasib kaya gua ini, atau apa guanya yang bego, kalo gua mengartikan 6 buah ekado, shrimp roll, chicken balut telor di gambar artinya 6 buah ekado, shrimp roll, chicken balut telor di kehidupan nyata?? apakah slogan what you see is what you get sudah nggak jaman??

oh iya, kembali ke topik awal, tadi saya duduk berjam-jam melewati 3 waktu sholat wajib dan melewati makan siang itu karena lagi buat template buat blog ini, blog versi ketiga kehidupan gua, tapi gua lupa ribetnya buat template sendiri, seperti:

-membuat file" gambar diri sendiri dan mengedit foto lampu petromak
-mengupload gbr" ke tempat hosting foto yang cepet.
-meng..konsolidasikan, ah, mengintegrasikan antar template gua sama tag"nya blogger.

jadi mungkin templatenya menyusul kalo nanti gua sudah berada di area pulik yang menyediakan wi-fi gratis.

jadi dari gua sma kelas 1 sampe kuliah semester lima (atau semester 1 buat calon kolega-kolega saya di fakultas berinisial e, dan universitas berinisial i, hihii) gua udah punya 3 blog.

yang pertama masi manual, www.geocoties.com/boneynclide, gua punya satu file panjang berisi tulisan, dan gua simply nulis diatasnya lagi. tapi tulisan saya dulu cukup provokatif loh, bisa menyulut pertikaian dan mengundang cibiran. haha.

lalu yang kedua, thediandras.blogspot.com, ah! ini sangat mediocre. karena konflik di hidup gua sudah berkurang ke level minimal. ah mungkin ada satu konflik perselingkuhan, tapi itu ga berarti lagi. selama gua menulis disitu gua jarang sekali pulang sesudah jam sebelas, jarang bohong sama orang tua, tidak merokok (sangat jarang), tidak ada masalah pelanggaran hukum di kampus, tidak melakukan perbuatan asusila. tidak minum alkohol (kecuali sedikit heineken, dan duren bisa bikin gua lebih mabok daripada itu). tidak pernah clubbing. tidak pernah ngajak berantem temen/total stranger. tidak pernah menonton film porno. tidak pernah melakukan keributan yang berarti. ehehe.

tapi ada beberapa highlite hidup, mungkin lebih mirip low-light. yang kalo diinget lumayan bikin nyesek, but it adds fuel to my fire, dan mungkin gua belum pernah ikut kompetisi programming, atau ikut lomba debat sampe keluar negri atau menang penghargaan/piala mahasiswi of the year, atau bahkan dapet satu nilai A solid selama gua kuliah di fasilkom tapi i take pride in being orang yang biasa-biasa saja. i am the indonesian dream, mediocre, opportunist, self-centered tapi menjunjung tinggi solidaritas in every way.

dari jaman friendster belom ada, ive been publishing my thoughts to the whole world, dan satu hal yang harus diperhatikan adalah jujur kepada diri sendiri. bohong sama orang lain itu gampang sekali, tapi bohong ke diri sendiri itu mustahil.

dan gua baru sadar, kalo di tulisan gua nggak bisa jujur, whats the point of writing, entertainment? trying to educate the mass with a weekly moral issue? sekedar catatan harian layaknya artis ternama apa ang dilakukan hari ini? apa yang dibeli hari ini? dibaca dan ditonton hari ini? atau mungkin berapa liter air kencing yang dikeluarkan hari ini?

ya, dan apa yang gua baca, di file-file lama komputer desktop gua, bisa membuat gua merasa hampir sama persis, dengan apa yang gua rasain hari itu. the agony, the hatred, the lovesick bittersweet words. meskipun norak, iya gua tau, tapi this was exactly my purpose. i wrote so i'll never forget how i felt that day. dan semuanya ditulis dengan sudut pandang gua, tentu saja.

all-i-need-bla bla.blogspot.com itu terlalu panjang dan isinya sekarang kurang lebih satu post panjang tentang cerita depresi gua. jadi kita anggap saja itu versi 2.9

jadi, apa yang gua harapkan?
supaya gua selalu punya cerita pada saat gua belum sukses ;)

thediandras signs out!