my shit is like. whoa.

its getting worse everytime.

these past few days has been so surreal. going back and forth. so much faces i cant even match the names. hari pertama puasa. nggak bisa marah. nggak bisa menyalurkan aspirasi. bisanya cuma senyum palsu, atau cemberut yang ditahan. tai apa pencarian jati diri.

tai apa. tau apa lo?

why complain so much? bacause i can do whatever the hell i want.

moneys been tight lately. i blew all of my savings. i have no savings now. im too proud to ask my parents for money. but they give sum to me anyway. this is an insult to my ego. i need to find more work so i can be financially independent *umm well at least in the pocket money dept. and who knows? i might be able to stand on my own feet someday.

gas prices are killing me. toll booth prices are strangling me. i might die soon if this keeps up.

dont we all enjoy dying. nothing matters if youre about to die. that new outfit you just bought? dont matter shit. you only got 15000 in your wallet left for the week? fuck that. your tank is empty? like hell do you care. that china economic analysis assignment? dont matter shit. having a mom who constantly tells you that you cant do anything right? wont matter shit. a 2.4 GPA? fuck that, man.

the problem is. im not dying. so it all matters to me.

the thing is ive been walking around like a zombie with fake smiles on my face. ah! my whole attitude is fake, i dont even know which is real and wich isnt anymore. id space off during traffic. id have this empty expression in my face, cause thats what it is inside my head. emptiness. my head is so hollow if it were not connected to my neck, i guarantee you it'll float higer than balloons filled with helium. so thanks to my neck, my head is not off in space.

huff. terima kasih tuhan, sahabat sekaligus pacar saya masih ada di samping saya dan tidak bosan-bosannya menopang saya dari segala sisi.

man, if hes gone, id fall apart, no doubt.

OH FUCK!

yes, yes. yes. i am officially. turning. insane. i have not watched this week of antm 8. i always always always fall asleep RIGHT after i got home for this past 2 weeks. whether its at 8pm or 9pm or 7pm id take a bath, wash my hair, and then fall asleep with the towel on my head. id be like that every single day.

so basically im a money-wasting piece of garbage.

listening to jose gonzalez newly downloaded "veneer" album. gyah! trivial tidbits.

gua merasa tua dijalan. jalanan jakarta macet. gua merasa tua sendirian. gua..nggak punya energi dan semangat yang sama dengan anak-anak yang baru lahir di tahun 90.

hidup ini adalah pilihan, tapi bagi gua, hidup ini hanya penuh dengan pilihan yang sama sekali nggak gua pilih.
ah tai lahh. kuliah MPK Tai.

yah tidak boleh begitu. komitmen adalah komitmen. i made a deal with the devil. so basically im screwed. screwed.

jay z's "song cry" is the best rap song. ever. ever..
chaka khan is the best singer alive..
indomie is my favorite meal..
rizki maulidani is my favorite person..
fucking corporate everything is my biggest hypocrisy. i just cant afford it anymore.
i have no friends. im a loser.
no i really do think that. well except for my boyfriend.
im always mushy and sad inside. yet i hate the melancholic, shoegazing, wrist slitting people just as much as you.

just as much as you.

a life that has no meaning. a being that does without feeling. a body with no soul in it. a stomach with no food in it. a head with no brain in it. a pocket with no money in it. i am an empty shell.

i am hollow.

gua mau solat dulu..maybe it helps..

x(